Optimism through Difficult Times: ExxonMobil's 2050 Shareholder Update, A Letter from the CEO

 11/15/2050

To Our Valued Investors, 

First, I’d like to say thank you for your continued investment. Current events have been devastating for all businesses, and the oil industry is no exception. Despite these hard times, we remain dedicated to our mission to maximize profits. Contrary to scientific consensus that the human race has no future, we believe in the future of this company.

I’d like to extend my deepest sympathies to those affected by the multitude of completely natural and unavoidable disasters that have ravaged the country.  I am particularly saddened by the plight of the poor Americans displaced by sea level rise (and hadn’t already invested in a yacht). From the pan-Texas wildfire to the infinite Atlantic Cyclone, to the ecosystem collapse and subsequent invasion of flesh-eating mosquitos, we stand by you (figuratively, of course, to limit the spread of said mosquitos).

Unfortunately, 2050 yielded a significant drop in our stock value. Since 2025’s historic elimination of all EPA regulations, oil production and consumption skyrocketed beyond the non-existent ozone layer. No one could have predicted that this nonrenewable energy source would end, and our profits with it. This was completely beyond our control. Even those who smugly touted the virtues of wind and solar are paying the price. Triple hurricanes shredded wind farms, and unfiltered sun rays disintegrated solar panels. And there is absolutely no one to blame for these unforeseen phenomena. 

Don’t worry, after the battery dust settles, we will find more oil. We at ExxonMobil view this “finite” resource the way we view future profits: the limit is infinite. Thanks to Queen Ivanka, we now have complete reign to drill the lifeless ash deserts once known as our National Parks. We will turn those desolate wastelands into vibrant fracking communities. As the oil rises, so will our earnings.

While I sip my $3600 cup of coffee (worth every dollar!) and watch climate refugees reinforce my bunker against the impending water wars, I am proud of our team’s resilience through these dark times. There may be a swirling cloud of smog above my head, but my heart remains light and optimistic. The rising sea levels are just more ocean to explore with our yachts. Thank you for your continued investment in us, ExxonMobil, your trusted oil company. 

Sincerely,

Darren Woods, Jr.

CEO of ExxonMobil